Friday, September 12, 2014

Get Fit Friday

I am so glad that it's Friday!  I always look forward to the weekend. And now, I will have another reason to anticipate it because I am starting a new series, Get Fit Fridays! When I started my journey to get healthy at the end of last October, I always shared my progress on Wednesdays (Weigh-in Wednesdays.) I had become a little lax in sharing and now that I am co-hosting What You Wish Wednesdays, I decided I needed to change the day I share about it.  I really hope that I can encourage you, but I really need this for me. I need the accountability. 

I'm not going to hide the fact from you guys that I have been struggling the past couple of months. I haven't stopped exercising or trying, but eating healthy has become difficult and an all-out battle. I shared with you all before that I struggled with post-partum depression after both of my children were born, especially after Ashlyn, and it took a long time to come out of it.  I haven't had to take any medication for it for a few years now, but I still go through times when it creeps back up on me and threatens to pull me back under.  The last couple of months, it has been one of those time periods.  And when I am battling that, my first go-to is food.  When the darkness threatens to cloud my vision, my first instinct is to grab a brownie. (Darn those Little Debbie's.) 

I feel exactly like this:
15For what I am doing, I do not understand; for I am not practicing what I would like to do, but I am doing the very thing I hate. Romans 7:15

Glow Zumba last month! So much fun! 

What I need to do to feel better is the absolute hardest for me to do when I am in this "funk." I need to eat clean and make myself exercise every single day. My brain is telling me to sleep, sit around, eat lots of carbs in excess, and succumb to it, to sink down in the mire.   My spirit says fight! I've said this before; This is not all about a number on a scale. This is not about me wanting to be as skinny as a model or anything like that. This is my life! This is my livelihood, my health, my relationships, my walk with God! This is as much a spiritual battle as it is physical. 

Last night, I sat in my living room after my girls went to bed and watched The Biggest Loser, bawling my eyes out as I heard each contestant's story. I love that show. Really. It inspires me to see these people break through the barriers that have held them in place for so long. I love seeing when a contestant goes from doubting themselves with no self-confidence to realizing they can do it. I love seeing the flicker of determination and perseverance light up their eyes. I can identify with every one of them.
Before I started my weight loss/get fit journey. 
Since I stared this journey, I have kind of felt like those contestants, too. I have gone from doubting myself, my confidence waning, to being sure I can do it and more sure of who I am, that flicker firing up in my eyes.  A spark of determination. But, the last couple of months have shaken me a little bit. I don't want to ever go back to where I was. I don't want to lose that spark. And I still have a really long way to go. 

This picture was taken just a couple weeks ago. About 3 or 4 sizes smaller than when I started. (depending on what I am wearing and brand of clothing.)
As I look at the two photos above, I see two different people. The first is the person I used to be. She is no longer. The second is the person I am currently, with more confidence, healthier, stronger. But, I hope that the person that I am today will be gone shortly, too. I hope to continue becoming the person God wants me to be, to continue to weed out the old to make room for the new. 

Will I ever get to a point when I don't struggle with depression or eating? I don't know the answer to that question. I am reminded through this that I am not immune and that I have to keep my guard up. I have to focus. But focus has been really hard to come by the last couple of months. 

The crazy thing about muddling through depression is that it is a vicious cycle. It is so hard to break. When I am struggling like this, the last thing I want to do are the very things that will naturally make me feel better......eating healthy and exercising. The first things I want to do are the very things that make me feel worse.....eating unhealthy and not getting enough exercise. Then when you succumb to eating unhealthy things and you skip that exercise session, it makes you feel worse. Then you want another brownie. (Seriously, Little Debbie's, ease up on me.)

So, today I am choosing to do the opposite of what I feel like doing. I will exercise today. I will eat healthy today instead of vegging out on the couch watching Clueless and eating potato chips.  That's all I can commit to right now. Today. Tomorrow, I will have the same choice to make. I hope I will make the right one. 

See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland.

Linking up to: What You Wish Wednesday

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